SLAVE TO TRADITIONS?
Tan Poh Kiang
I was devastated.
It was in the second month of my housemanship when my grandmother passed away of congestive cardiac failure. It was a difficult time for me because I had been closer to my granny than I was my parents.
In addition to the stress of my first houseman posting, a dilemma was presented to me and my wife-to-be we were just considering marriage- get wedded within the next 100 days or wait three years.
However tempting it was to yield to the former as we were so in love, we opted to wait after much deliberation. We realized that marriage was far too important to be rushed.
I was angry, but we belonged to traditional families and there was no compromise on this matter. The breach of a traditional custom implied serious misfortune to transgressors our parents were not about to risk both their first-borns future.
I had almost forgotten about this 100 day myth until recently. One of my clinic staff had just lost her father, which left her mother stricken with grief. Mourning the loss of a spouse is unfathomably hard.
We know of individuals who face immense suffering but do better than others. This lady was known to me as one of great inner strength. She had always been quietly confident and independent.
Although it was going to be tough during bereavement, I was surprised to see her turning up at the clinic to seek help. After a few superficial exchanges and the initial awkwardness, I decided to plunge into the heart of the matter.
“Not so good.”
“Been crying a lot, huh?”
“Yes. I guess it’s to be expected. I try to sleep but many things keep flashingthrough my mind at night”
“Are you eating ok?”
“I force myself to eat. I tell myself I have to be strong. But ..(tears rolling down her cheeks).. if not for the fact that my children are not yet married, I don’t think i want to carry on living.”
“You must miss him a lot.”
“The really hard thing for rme is that my husband has always taken our marriage for granted until the last three years. For so long ! had to endure his neglect of the family when he spent more time with his colleagues than his wife and kids. Something caused him to change three years ago and I got back the husband I had fallen in love with many years ago. With the kids now working, we spent much time by ourselves, doing things that we truly enjoyed. Just when I was finally enjoying my marriage, he had to leave me!”
“It helps that you talk with your family members and your friends. Try not to be isolated.
“I think the same too. My children work long hours and are so exhausted when they get home late at night.”
“How about your own siblings and close friends?”
“They were all around and consoling during the funeral wake. Soon after, the phone calls decreased in frequency and nobody actualy dropped in to visit. None offered to ask me out or over to their homes. I kniow it is bad luck to associate with the widow but it hurts to know that my own family and friends care more about superstition at a time when I need them most.”
The disappointment and bitterness were palpable.
Another bad practice among the Chinese was taught to me by my late beloved grandmother.
I recall an incident in my childhood when I had accompanied her to the wet market. As the floor was slippery, she lost her footing and fell heavily on her bottom. Even before I had a chance to reach out my hand to assist her, she gave me a stern look before issuing a strict order not to touch her. I was to stand aside and allow her to get up herself.
To my astonishment, none who witnessed the fall came forward to help this poor old lady.
Later at home, she realized the confusion on my face and took time to explain that it was (still is) a Chinese belief that bad luck will pass over to anyone who helped an old person who had fallen. She said it matter-of-factly with no logical explanation.
Not too long ago, a 70-plus-year-old patient of mine came to the clinic after a bad fall – he suffered severe hematomas of the face and limbs. As he had a dense hemiplegia from a stroke years ago, he had to struggle close to 30 minutes to get back on his feet and make his way over to the clinic with his quad-stick.
I was saddened that no one volunteered to help this poor soul. But he corrected me. He told me that there were indeed several kind young men in the vicinity who were quick to respond but he stopped them. He confessed that even though he badly needed physical support, his conscience would not allow him to risk transferring bad luck to these innocent young people.
The last lesson was also learned at the feet of my late granny.
I was in my fourth year of medical school when l woke up one morning to a series of frantic knocks on my bedroom door. It was my panicked sister who rushed over after witnessing my granny gasping and foaming at the mouth. By the time I went over, granny had already turned blue and keeled over!
Fortunately, I had enough composure to perform CPR until the ambulance arrived. It turned out that she had suffered acute congestive cardiac failure from uncontrolled hypertension. She spent the week in the Cardiac Care Unit (CCU) and another week in the general ward before going home.
For an old person to be critically ill and immobilized for a period of time, it was devastating for granny’s frail body. When she was discharged, she had to return home in a wheelchair. To the feeble-minded, the wheelchair might have turned out to be a permanent state.
But not my granny who was absolutely pai-sey (dialect for ashamed or embarrassed) about being seen as an invalid in a wheelchair. She announced the day she had returned home that she was not going out of the house until she could walk.
Without any physiotherapist’s service, my granny rehabilitated herself through the progressive help of the walking frame, quad-stick and finally an umbrella. Three months later, we were able to bring her out for a dinner at a Teochew restaurant where she walked proudly on her own, with the unobtrusive aid of a glamorous-looking umbrella.
This anecdote serves a positive tone but the same paisey attitude regarding walking aids has caused many unnecessary falls among my elderly patients. When they ought to be using a walking frame or quad stick, they opt for an umbrella that inadequately compensates for their physical weakness or imbalance.
Often times, I have had to plead with these old folks and appeal to what I hope is some degree of common sense to adopt good practices for fall prevention. I have learned that the best of medical science and technology have to meet and deal with the worst of community myths and traditional beliefs.
When a grieving person is at the most risk of depression and suicide, he/she is left on his/her own.
When a fallen person is most vulnerable and needs physical assistance, he/she is untouchable.
When a physically feeble person needs to be supported by aids, he/she is more concerned about pride and ‘face’.
These and other tales have taught me that one’s awareness of such background Customs and beliefs can help one to anticipate potential hazards and plan for other compensatory measures to help those who suffer.
I am not optimistic that such practices are going to change any time soon.
It is therefore imperative for me to share this so that other practitioners can benefit from this knowledge.
MINISTRY HIGHLIGHTS
The June 26 Peter’s Ponderings webinar opened up with Eagles Founder Peter Chao reflecting on “Exuberant Joy” in a prerecorded video where he explored the profile of joy in three classic parables from Luke 15.
Small group discussions among the participants followed the reflection. Here is what some of them had to say when asked, “How did an experience of intense joy impact your perception of God?”
Sharing her experience of exuberant joy after she became a believer, Kee Yean said, “I was feeling sad tor a period of time because I knew that God was omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent.. but what does it mean when you say you love me, God?
“So this is what I heard from God ‘Kee Yean, even if there’s no one else but you on earth, I would have still come down to die for you. I would’ve still been crucified, I would’ve still shed my blood for you’ And I shouted in joy – I was on my own with him! So, that joy changed my life.
“If he could die for me on the cross, He would do anything for me.”
Another participant, Joanne Goh shared about a time she wasn’t right with God.
“Things were messed up and it was very miserable. Later, I decided to come back to God and get things fight with him and even though my situation did not change much-I felt so much more peaceful and happier. I know that God was with me, and that gave me peace and comfort.”
Echoing similar sentiments, Jimmie believes that joy is knowing that God is with him at all times.
“As long as I’m with God, and I see His fingerprints on my life – things that happen to me that cannot be of my own doing, I know it is from Him. To me, that is true joy, it is better than anything else. Just knowing that He is with me is true joy Peter Chao ended the session off by drawing the finer distinctions between joy and happiness.
“One is circumstantial, and one has to do with our being who we are. If something good happens to me, I feel elated. But if it is joy, then it is residual – it goes deeper into our souls in our hearts…
“Happiness is circumstantial. So if we are flourishing, and everything is going our way then we are elated. The way you can tell what joy is, is once those good things are taken away, what difference does it make? The contrast is joy.
“Joy has to do with our being.”
Book author and Founder of Safe Place Jennifer Heng explored the role of pain in the human experience and the search for meaning at the recent NEXTimeOut webinar held online on June 29, 2022.
Parents, social workers, counselors, professional business owners, and full time church workers made up the audience of 20 as they were deeply blessed and impacted by her testimony of God’s goodness in her life.
When asked what is one thing participants would do differently in dealing with pains in their lives, this is what they said.
One participant noted that sitting with the pain and giving herself time to allow her emotions to play out can be a healing process. Another viewer who tuned in reflected that pain can build resilience – only if we allow it to.
“The one thing I will do differently is to give myself more time for self-reflection and understand that we cannot resolve everything on our own.”
We have concluded Passion, Pressure, and Perseverance – Dr John Ng’s seven-part series fresh from the book of Nehemiah.
Spending most of his life in exile, Nehemiah stands as a testament to great passion and perseverance. His fervent and humble prayers to God, love for his people, and diligence in matters of administration make for a valuable lesson in God’s faithfulness and restoration.
Is your heart troubled with the notion of broken dreams and failed plans? How do I find courage in the midst of overwhelming fear? What is the price I have to pay for the prize? Am l able to survive the onslaught of the enemy?
Peek into the life of Nehemiah and glean lessons from his leadership, prayer life and faithfulness at www.eagles.org.sg/nehemiah1.
UP NEXT
After 70 years of slavery and humiliation, God’s people thought that they had been forgotten. Once God’s chosen people they were now bedraggled refugees. Zechariah’s prophecy declares that God Remembers His people and His promises to them.
Can there be a bright future for those with a murky past? Can a ruined history be redeemed to a radiant future?
When we think God has forgotten us, Zechariah reminds us that God is still on the throne, and He will remember His own! God can transform painful memories of failure to glorious visions of wonder.
Join Peter Chao in his reflections on the Prophecy of Zechariah. Videos are published at www.eagles.org.sg
We are excited to announce Eagles Fund Race 2022 on Aug 12-27, 2022. Come 2023, Eagles will be celebrating 55 years of ministry. Thus, the Eagles Fund Race 2022 will cover a distance of 55km to commemorate 55 years of ministry.
To impact and develop the next generation of leaders in our Younger Leader Development Program (YLDP), our goal is to raise $150,000.
Find more information on the event and to sign up, click on This Google Form.
Donate at www.eagles.org.sg/donate.
SLAVE TO TRADITIONS?
Tan Poh Kiang
I was devastated.
It was in the second month of my housemanship when my grandmother passed away of congestive cardiac failure. It was a difficult time for me because I had been closer to my granny than I was my parents.
In addition to the stress of my first houseman posting, a dilemma was presented to me and my wife-to-be we were just considering marriage- get wedded within the next 100 days or wait three years.
However tempting it was to yield to the former as we were so in love, we opted to wait after much deliberation. We realized that marriage was far too important to be rushed.
I was angry, but we belonged to traditional families and there was no compromise on this matter. The breach of a traditional custom implied serious misfortune to transgressors our parents were not about to risk both their first-borns future.
I had almost forgotten about this 100 day myth until recently. One of my clinic staff had just lost her father, which left her mother stricken with grief. Mourning the loss of a spouse is unfathomably hard.
We know of individuals who face immense suffering but do better than others. This lady was known to me as one of great inner strength. She had always been quietly confident and independent.
Although it was going to be tough during bereavement, I was surprised to see her turning up at the clinic to seek help. After a few superficial exchanges and the initial awkwardness, I decided to plunge into the heart of the matter.
“How are you, really?”
“Not so good.”
“Been crying a lot, huh?”
“Yes. I guess it’s to be expected. I try to sleep but many things keep flashing through my mind at night”
“Are you eating ok?”
“I force myself to eat. I tell myself I have to be strong. But ..(tears rolling down her cheeks).. if not for the fact that my children are not yet married, I don’t think i want to carry on living.”
“You must miss him a lot.”
“The really hard thing for rme is that my husband has always taken our marriage for granted until the last three years. For so long ! had to endure his neglect of the family when he spent more time with his colleagues than his wife and kids. Something caused him to change three years ago and I got back the husband I had fallen in love with many years ago. With the kids now working, we spent much time by ourselves, doing things that we truly enjoyed. Just when I was finally enjoying my marriage, he had to leave me!”
“It helps that you talk with your family members and your friends. Try not to be isolated.
“I think the same too. My children work long hours and are so exhausted when they get home late at night.”
“How about your own siblings and close friends?”
“They were all around and consoling during the funeral wake. Soon after, the phone calls decreased in frequency and nobody actually dropped in to visit. None offered to ask me out or over to their homes. I kniow it is bad luck to associate with the widow but it hurts to know that my own family and friends care more about superstition at a time when I need them most.”
Another bad practice among the Chinese was taught to me by my late beloved grandmother.
I recall an incident in my childhood when I had accompanied her to the wet market. As the floor was slippery, she lost her footing and fell heavily on her bottom. Even before I had a chance to reach out my hand to assist her, she gave me a stern look before issuing a strict order not to touch her. I was to stand aside and allow her to get up herself.
To my astonishment, none who witnessed the fall came forward to help this poor old lady.
Later at home, she realized the confusion on my face and took time to explain that it was (still is) a Chinese belief that bad luck will pass over to anyone who helped an old person who had fallen. She said it matter-of-factly with no logical explanation.
Not too long ago, a 70-plus-year-old patient of mine came to the clinic after a bad fall – he suffered severe hematomas of the face and limbs. As he had a dense hemiplegia from a stroke years ago, he had to struggle close to 30 minutes to get back on his feet and make his way over to the clinic with his quad-stick.
I was saddened that no one volunteered to help this poor soul. But he corrected me. He told me that there were indeed several kind young men in the vicinity who were quick to respond but he stopped them. He confessed that even though he badly needed physical support, his conscience would not allow him to risk transferring bad luck to these innocent young people.
I was in my fourth year of medical school when l woke up one morning to a series of frantic knocks on my bedroom door. It was my panicked sister who rushed over after witnessing my granny gasping and foaming at the mouth. By the time I went over, granny had already turned blue and keeled over!
Fortunately, I had enough composure to perform CPR until the ambulance arrived. It turned out that she had suffered acute congestive cardiac failure from uncontrolled hypertension. She spent the week in the Cardiac Care Unit (CCU) and another week in the general ward before going home.
For an old person to be critically ill and immobilized for a period of time, it was devastating for granny’s frail body. When she was discharged, she had to return home in a wheelchair. To the feeble-minded, the wheelchair might have turned out to be a permanent state.
But not my granny who was absolutely pai-sey (dialect for ashamed or embarrassed) about being seen as an invalid in a wheelchair. She announced the day she had returned home that she was not going out of the house until she could walk.
Without any physiotherapist’s service, my granny rehabilitated herself through the progressive help of the walking frame, quad-stick and finally an umbrella. Three months later, we were able to bring her out for a dinner at a Teochew restaurant where she walked proudly on her own, with the unobtrusive aid of a glamorous-looking umbrella.
This anecdote serves a positive tone but the same paisey attitude regarding walking aids has caused many unnecessary falls among my elderly patients. When they ought to be using a walking frame or quad stick, they opt for an umbrella that inadequately compensates for their physical weakness or imbalance.
Often times, I have had to plead with these old folks and appeal to what I hope is some degree of common sense to adopt good practices for fall prevention. I have learned that the best of medical science and technology have to meet and deal with the worst of community myths and traditional beliefs.
When a grieving person is at the most risk of depression and suicide, he/she is left on his/her own.
When a fallen person is most vulnerable and needs physical assistance, he/she is untouchable.
When a physically feeble person needs to be supported by aids, he/she is more concerned about pride and face.
These and other tales have taught me that one’s awareness of such background Customs and beliefs can help one to anticipate potential hazards and plan for other compensatory measures to help those who suffer.
I am not optimistic that such practices are going to change any time soon.
It is therefore imperative for me to share this so that other practitioners can benefit from this knowledge.
MINISTRY HIGHLIGHTS
The June 26 Peter’s Ponderings webinar opened up with Eagles Founder Peter Chao reflecting on “Exuberant Joy” in a prerecorded video where he explored the profile of joy in three classic parables from Luke 15.
Small group discussions among the participants followed the reflection. Here is what some of them had to say when asked, “How did an experience of intense joy impact your perception of God?”
Sharing her experience of exuberant joy after she became a believer, Kee Yean said, “I was feeling sad tor a period of time because I knew that God was omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent.. but what does it mean when you say you love me, God?
“So this is what I heard from God ‘Kee Yean, even if there’s no one else but you on earth, I would have still come down to die for you. I would’ve still been crucified, I would’ve still shed my blood for you’ And I shouted in joy – I was on my own with him! So, that joy changed my life.
“If he could die for me on the cross, He would do anything for me.”
Another participant, Joanne Goh shared about a time she wasn’t right with God.
“Things were messed up and it was very miserable. Later, I decided to come back to God and get things fight with him and even though my situation did not change much-I felt so much more peaceful and happier. I know that God was with me, and that gave me peace and comfort.”
Echoing similar sentiments, Jimmie believes that joy is knowing that God is with him at all times.
“As long as I’m with God, and I see His fingerprints on my life – things that happen to me that cannot be of my own doing, I know it is from Him. To me, that is true joy, it is better than anything else. Just knowing that He is with me is true joy Peter Chao ended the session off by drawing the finer distinctions between joy and happiness.
“One is circumstantial, and one has to do with our being who we are. If something good happens to me, I feel elated. But if it is joy, then it is residual – it goes deeper into our souls in our hearts…
“Happiness is circumstantial. So if we are flourishing, and everything is going our way then we are elated. The way you can tell what joy is, is once those good things are taken away, what difference does it make? The contrast is joy.
“Joy has to do with our being.”
Book author and Founder of Safe Place Jennifer Heng explored the role of pain in the human experience and the search for meaning at the recent NEXTimeOut webinar held online on June 29, 2022.
Parents, social workers, counselors, professional business owners, and full time church workers made up the audience of 20 as they were deeply blessed and impacted by her testimony of God’s goodness in her life.
When asked what is one thing participants would do differently in dealing with pains in their lives, this is what they said.
One participant noted that sitting with the pain and giving herself time to allow her emotions to play out can be a healing process. Another viewer who tuned in reflected that pain can build resilience – only if we allow it to.
“The one thing I will do differently is to give myself more time for self-reflection and understand that we cannot resolve everything on our own.”
We have concluded Passion, Pressure, and Perseverance – Dr John Ng’s seven-part series fresh from the book of Nehemiah.
Spending most of his life in exile, Nehemiah stands as a testament to great passion and perseverance. His fervent and humble prayers to God, love for his people, and diligence in matters of administration make for a valuable lesson in God’s faithfulness and restoration.
Is your heart troubled with the notion of broken dreams and failed plans? How do I find courage in the midst of overwhelming fear? What is the price I have to pay for the prize? Am l able to survive the onslaught of the enemy?
Peek into the life of Nehemiah and glean lessons from his leadership, prayer life and faithfulness at www.eagles.org.sg/nehemiah1.
UP NEXT
After 70 years of slavery and humiliation, God’s people thought that they had been forgotten. Once God’s chosen people they were now bedraggled refugees. Zechariah’s prophecy declares that God Remembers His people and His promises to them.
Can there be a bright future for those with a murky past? Can a ruined history be redeemed to a radiant future?
When we think God has forgotten us, Zechariah reminds us that God is still on the throne, and He will remember His own! God can transform painful memories of failure to glorious visions of wonder.
Join Peter Chao in his reflections on the Prophecy of Zechariah. Videos are published at www.eagles.org.sg
We are excited to announce Eagles Fund Race 2022 on Aug 12-27, 2022. Come 2023, Eagles will be celebrating 55 years of ministry. Thus, the Eagles Fund Race 2022 will cover a distance of 55km to commemorate 55 years of ministry.
To impact and develop the next generation of leaders in our Younger Leader Development Program (YLDP), our goal is to raise $150,000.
Find more information on the event and to sign up, click on This Google Form.
Donate at www.eagles.org.sg/donate.