THE ART OF FATHERING IN THE NEW NORMAL

Jael Eu

Educator and author Reed Markham writes that trying to be a great father is like shaving. “No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.” How does tomorrow look like for fathers in the midst of massive changes caused by the pandemic?

Navigating the New Normal

Bryan Tan, Jason Wong, Joshua Hong (virtually) and moderator Alvin Fu at ELC 2021

Speaking at Eagles Leadership Convention, Jason Wong, Bryan Tan, and Joshua Hong shared their journey in navigating the upheavals caused by the Covid pandemic. The three fathers were asked an important question: How do fathers navigate the stresses that come along with adjusting to the new normal?

All three of them pointed out the significance of taking care of their well-being as fathers. “Everybody’s adjusting to the new normal,” Joshua Hong, co-founder and chair of Better Dads Malaysia, said, “Everybody is working from home while our children are having home-based learning. I would say to be alert when it comes to your well-being. Learn the art of staying calm in the face of stress.”

Jason Wong, former chair of Focus on the Family, agreed and shared his perspective. “I will always encourage fathers in times of crisis to first take care of themselves. I know we all want to be heroes but don’t forget that fathers need self-care too. Only you yourself knows when you need help, so you need to voice it out. Don’t struggle on your own. Join a fathering community. Or seek professional help. We shouldn’t be suffering on our own.”

Bryan Tan, CEO of Centre for Fathering, nodded his head and said, “Get into self-care, seek help if necessary. I personally did so alongside many other men. To be able to share my frustration, anxiety and fears has allowed me to take the initiative to seek reconciliation and restore relationships. Life isn’t all rosy, we fall but it is about picking ourselves up and making right what we have done wrong.”

While it is agreed that self-care must be intentional and the reality is that fathers possess the best capacity to take care of themselves, how do fathers go about doing this in the midst of needing to adjust to the new normal?

Jason Wong elaborated by sharing about giving attention to oneself. “Have those ‘me-time’ as it can be very neglected. Go for a walk or a run. When you come back refreshed, you’re able to be the hero again.”

Bryan Tan said, “I have learned to be kinder to myself especially in areas where I have failed. Many times, I felt paralyzed from trying to manage everything and by having such high expectations of myself to be the provider. Laugh things off, don’t bottle things up, have the humility to seek help, and have vulnerable conversations.”

Fathering in the New Normal
The pandemic has resulted in fathers now finding themselves at home a lot and needing to balance both the affairs of home and work. How can fathers be more intentional and involved in their children’s lives?

“Communicate and be clear of your roles. My wife and I had to start figuring out how to manage the household and the children on top of our work,” Bryan Tan responded, “We started putting in intentional routines for the family and distributed our time accordingly. Also, be aware of your influence. Your children see who you are at work when you work from home.”

In the same vein, Joshua Hong said that fathers must intentionally schedule time and explained how he goes about doing it. “Since everyone at home is having a lot of screen time, it is a good idea to try to schedule something without the screen for the family – be it exercising or doing household chores together.”

On top of setting aside intentional time, it is also important for fathers to create a safe space for their families as that can facilitate an environment that encourages intentionality. “In my own experience and journey with other fathers and young people, I find that if our children do not feel loved and accepted at home, chances are that they will look for it elsewhere.”

Jason Wong added, “Give your children permission to fail. How can a home be a safe space if they are not allowed to fail? Tell your children that it’s okay to fail today, they can always try again.”

“Take full advantage of the crisis and turn it around,” Joshua Hong added, “You could always take the time of bonding to teach your children. I taught my daughter how to wash the dishes. While it became a mess in the kitchen and I had to redo the dishes, I really appreciated the time spent together and children will always treasure these memories.”

Single Parenting in the New Normal

While most of what has been shared was spoken in the context of a nuclear family setting, a salient question that was raised was how single parents can navigate the struggles of settling in the new normal.

“I would always encourage mothers to bring a father figure into the child’s life. It could be the grandfather or even a sports coach from the child’s co-curricular activity in school,” Jason Wong said.

Bryan Tan affirmed and talked about how it takes a whole village to see families thrive. “There’s a lot we can do to come in and fill that space to create a conducive society, to see families thrive without any stigma attached. In the funded child-programs, our Centre for Fathering seeks to embrace the child into community, ensuring that the child is accepted, acknowledged and affirmed in the whole process. We have big brother initiatives, and we see fathers coming forward to lend themselves as a father figures.”

“In the case of divorce,” Jason Wong commented, “It is important to understand that both parents contribute uniquely to a child’s development. Don’t shut off the other party, thinking that you can take over both roles. Both parties must understand that it is important to allow a child to have access to both the loved of a mother and of a father.”

Inspiring Fatherhood and Empowering Fathers

As the old proverbs goes, “It takes a village to raise a child” but what does it take to inspire the whole village and to empower the fathers in the village?

“Sadly, a lot of fathers don’t know that they are important. The best gift we can give to a child is a father and mother who are in a stable marriage, and are involved in the child’s life.” Jason Wong said, “Fathering is such an important topic to discuss, and we should all continue doing so.”

“For those of us privileged to lead,” Bryan Tan said, “We have to bring the heart of the Father into the organizations we lead. Understand that the role we play transcends generations and goes beyond the walls of our own homes. That is what a village does – it comes to care for other families as well as our own.”

MINISTRY HIGHLIGHTS

Andrew Ma described current reality when he said, “Web 2.0 is where Facebook and Twitter aim to destroy your self-control.”

Dr Ma explored the implications of the threats and opportunities of the Metaverse for those in leadership in the NEXTimeOut webinar held online on May 18, 2022.

To neutralize the negative impact of Web 3.0, Dr Ma stressed the need to raise more servant leaders. They will have the heart to empower and serve the team for “bottom-up” innovation that will encourage openness and transparency. Collaboration and consensus building will check manipulation by centralized control that drives the imbalance of profit and power.

Dr Ma urged leaders to be guided by their moral compass so that they can be discerning in the virtual space and make the world a better place.

UP NEXT

Buoyant enjoyment of life is a declaration of hope. It is a reminder that God is present and actively restoring, redeeming and reconciling.

Join us on Sunday, June 26, 2022, via Zoom. Register at www.eagles.org.sg.

Register at https://tinyurl.com/29JuneNexTimeout.

After 70 years of slavery and humiliation, God’s people thought that they had been forgotten. Once God’s chosen people they were now bedraggled refugees. Zechariah’s prophecy declares that God Remembers His people and His promises to them.

Can there be a bright future for those with a murky past?
Can a ruined history be redeemed to a radiant future?

When we think God has forgotten us, Zechariah reminds us that God is still on the throne, and He will remember His own! God can transform painful memories of failure to glorious visions of wonder.

Join us on July 2, 2022 onwards. Videos will be published at www.eagles.org.sg.

Archive

THE ART OF FATHERING IN THE NEW NORMAL

Jael Eu

Educator and author Reed Markham writes that trying to be a great father is like shaving. “No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.” How does tomorrow look like for fathers in the midst of massive changes caused by the pandemic?

Navigating the New Normal

Bryan Tan, Jason Wong, Joshua Hong (virtually) and moderator Alvin Fu at ELC 2021

Speaking at Eagles Leadership Convention, Jason Wong, Bryan Tan, and Joshua Hong shared their journey in navigating the upheavals caused by the Covid
pandemic. The three fathers were asked an important question: How do fathers navigate the stresses that come along with adjusting to the new normal?

All three of them pointed out the significance of taking care of their well-being as fathers. “Everybody’s adjusting to the new normal,” Joshua Hong, co-founder and chair of Better Dads Malaysia, said, “Everybody is working from home while our children are having home-based learning. I would say to be alert when it comes to your well-being. Learn the art of staying calm in the face of stress.”

Jason Wong, former chair of Focus on the Family, agreed and shared his perspective. “I will always encourage fathers in times of crisis to first take care of themselves. I know we all want to be heroes but don’t forget that fathers need self-care too. Only you yourself knows when you need help, so you need to voice it out. Don’t struggle on your own. Join a fathering community. Or seek professional help. We shouldn’t be suffering on our own.”

Bryan Tan, CEO of Centre for Fathering, nodded his head and said, “Get into self-care, seek help if necessary. I personally did so alongside many other men. To be able to share my frustration, anxiety and fears has allowed me to take the initiative to seek reconciliation and restore relationships. Life isn’t all rosy, we fall but it is about picking ourselves up and making right what we have done wrong.”

While it is agreed that self-care must be intentional and the reality is that fathers possess the best capacity to take care of themselves, how do fathers go about doing this in the midst of needing to adjust to the new normal?

Jason Wong elaborated by sharing about giving attention to oneself. “Have those ‘me-time’ as it can be very neglected. Go for a walk or a run. When you come back refreshed, you’re able to be the hero again.”

Bryan Tan said, “I have learned to be kinder to myself especially in areas where I have failed. Many times, I felt paralyzed from trying to manage everything and by having such high expectations of myself to be the provider. Laugh things off, don’t bottle things up, have the humility to seek help, and have vulnerable conversations.”

Fathering in the New Normal
The pandemic has resulted in fathers now finding themselves at home a lot and needing to balance both the affairs of home and work. How can fathers be more intentional and involved in their children’s lives?

“Communicate and be clear of your roles. My wife and I had to start figuring out how to manage the household and the children on top of our work,” Bryan Tan responded, “We started putting in intentional routines for the family and distributed our time accordingly. Also, be aware of your influence. Your children see who you are at work when you work from home.”

In the same vein, Joshua Hong said that fathers must intentionally schedule time and explained how he goes about doing it. “Since everyone at home is having a lot of screen time, it is a good idea to try to schedule something without the screen for the family – be it exercising or doing household chores together.”

On top of setting aside intentional time, it is also important for fathers to create a safe space for their families as that can facilitate an environment that encourages intentionality. “In my own experience and journey with other fathers and young people, I find that if our children do not feel loved and accepted at home, chances are that they will look for it elsewhere.”

Jason Wong added, “Give your children permission to fail. How can a home be a safe space if they are not allowed to fail? Tell your children that it’s okay to fail today, they can always try again.”

“Take full advantage of the crisis and turn it around,” Joshua Hong added, “You could always take the time of bonding to teach your children. I taught my daughter how to wash the dishes. While it became a mess in the kitchen and I had to redo the dishes, I really appreciated the time spent together and children will always treasure these memories.”

Single Parenting in the New Normal

While most of what has been shared was spoken in the context of a nuclear family setting, a salient question that was raised was how single parents can navigate the struggles of settling in the new normal.

“I would always encourage mothers to bring a father figure into the child’s life. It could be the grandfather or even a sports coach from the child’s co-curricular activity in school,” Jason Wong said.

Bryan Tan affirmed and talked about how it takes a whole village to see families thrive. “There’s a lot we can do to come in and fill that space to create a conducive society, to see families thrive without any stigma attached. In the funded child-programs, our Centre for Fathering seeks to embrace the child into community, ensuring that the child is accepted, acknowledged and affirmed in the whole process. We have big brother initiatives, and we see fathers coming forward to lend themselves as a father figures.”

“In the case of divorce,” Jason Wong commented, “It is important to understand that both parents contribute uniquely to a child’s development. Don’t shut off the other party, thinking that you can take over both roles. Both parties must understand that it is important to allow a child to have access to both the loved of a mother and of a father.”

Inspiring Fatherhood and Empowering Fathers

As the old proverbs goes, “It takes a village to raise a child” but what does it take to inspire the whole village and to empower the fathers in the village?

“Sadly, a lot of fathers don’t know that they are important. The best gift we can give to a child is a father and mother who are in a stable marriage, and are involved in the child’s life.” Jason Wong said, “Fathering is such an important topic to discuss, and we should all continue doing so.”

“For those of us privileged to lead,” Bryan Tan said, “We have to bring the heart of the Father into the organizations we lead. Understand that the role we play transcends generations and goes beyond the walls of our own homes. That is what a village does – it comes to care for other families as well as our own.”

MINISTRY HIGHLIGHTS

Andrew Ma described current reality when he said, “Web 2.0 is where Facebook and Twitter aim to destroy your self-control.”

Dr Ma explored the implications of the threats and opportunities of the Metaverse for those in leadership in the NEXTimeOut webinar held online on May 18, 2022.

To neutralize the negative impact of Web 3.0, Dr Ma stressed the need to raise more servant leaders. They will have the heart to empower and serve the team for “bottom-up” innovation that will encourage openness and transparency. Collaboration and consensus building will check manipulation by centralized control that drives the imbalance of profit and power.

Dr Ma urged leaders to be guided by their moral compass so that they can be discerning in the virtual space and make the world a better place.

UP NEXT

Buoyant enjoyment of life is a declaration of hope. It is a reminder that God is present and actively restoring, redeeming and reconciling.

Join us on Sunday, June 26, 2022, via Zoom. Register at www.eagles.org.sg.

Register at https://tinyurl.com/29JuneNexTimeout.

After 70 years of slavery and humiliation, God’s people thought that they had been forgotten. Once God’s chosen people they were now bedraggled refugees. Zechariah’s prophecy declares that God Remembers His people and His promises to them.

Can there be a bright future for those with a murky past?
Can a ruined history be redeemed to a radiant future?

When we think God has forgotten us, Zechariah reminds us that God is still on the throne, and He will remember His own! God can transform painful memories of failure to glorious visions of wonder.

Join us on July 2, 2022 onwards. Videos will be published at www.eagles.org.sg.